Saturday, April 29, 2006

New Hybrid SUV: The Chrysler Methana

I bought one of the new hybrid SUVs this year, The Chrysler Methana.

It runs on lithium batteries and methane gas. Very innovative technology.
My old car ran like shit. My new car runs on shit. Now, that is progress!

You just stuff shit in --- doesn't matter what kind of shit -- cow shit, pig shit, sheep shit, goat shit, fish shit, doesn't matter --- and VROOM off it goes. The more shit you put in, the faster it goes.

And talk about economical! In fact, I wrote to the President of Chrysler himself, suggesting that their new marketing slogan ought to be, "Goodbye Citgo, Hello ShitGo!"


Instead of bench seats, The Methana has five toilets that come Standard™, plus two little baby safety toilets in the way back facing the other way. Sounds a little uncomfortable, but I got the padded leather option. There is nothing too good for my family.

The only drawback is, when the weekend comes, and you need to haul the boat out to the lake, you really need to plan ahead to handle that extra weight.

So the night before we leave, I put on my chef's hat and apron and serve up a really big family-style meal: steaks and potatoes and spaghetti and cornbread and pumpkin pie, and then follow that up the next morning with a big he-man breakfast -- I stuff those little kids with sausages and hotcakes and french toast till their entire alimentary canal is jammed end to end with fuel pellets.

"C'mon kids, let's go! Time to go to the lake! Get in the truck!"

"But Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom!"

"You hold that in, young man! If you shit anwhere but in my truck, you're gettin' a whuppin'!"

So we're on the road to the lake, and we hit a steep hill, and we got that boat weighing us down, so we all gotta really bear down and crank that shit OUT, or you start rolling backwards.

"Come on, you can do it! Push! Daddy said Push!"

"But Daddy, I can't!"

"The shit you can't!"

"That's what I said!"

Luckily, I'd brought an emergency box of bran muffins.

"You eat those muffins like your life depends on it 'cuz if we get stuck going up this hill, I will whup your ass and beat the shit out of you!"

Sure enough, my family pulled together and came though in a pinch -- a really big pinch -- and I put the hammer down and off we went, tearin' up that mountain like a big brown bobcat.

Another benefit to owning the Methana, you never have to worry about tailgaters. They stay way, way back.

Owning this new state-of-the-art SUV has really reinvigorated my marriage, too. I love my wife, but I'll admit there have been times when I didn't really appreciate her. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it used to be that it even sort of got me down, her being so fat and all. But those days are over:

She's good for half a tank every week.

And now, whenever I see that gas station and its obscene $3.79/gallon sign standing there on the corner so loud and proud, I get a big smile on my face, and drive right on by, thinking how much I love my wife because she is so FULL of shit and always will be!

The Chrysler Methana. If You Don't Own It, You Don't Own Shit.®


Post a Comment

<< Home